Tides Of Valediction

     Saying goodbye to your closest people is like ….. saying goodbye to the ocean.
Knowing that nothing, not even the crashing waves can call "stay!" and pull you back out to sea. It's gut wrenching.
Such unnatural vibes. Unnatural tides
"Missing you comes in waves,
and right now I am drowning."
Fighting against the tides is seemingly more unattainable then I ever thought it would be.
Keeping my tides from rolling in everyday is quite litcherally futile. At least that's how it is here.

So on a sad note, I write (maybe more for myself) in search of the potential perk of valediction.

Tim Foreman said, "You can't call it love until you've lost. If you love someone this is what it costs."    Jon Foreman asked the question, "Do you love me enough to let me go?"  I appreciate and contemplate these daily.
Lately there has been a different variation of that question:

"Do you, Beth, love Me, Papa, enough to let them go, and come away with Me?"  
Licherally had no idea the depth that this question held when I said "yes" 4 years ago.
Sometimes saying goodbye is just a painful way of saying "I love You" to Papa. Trusting that His voyages are the right voyages. Even when you get caught in sea storms.

I will never forget that figurative moment, when "I boarded this sailing vessel and let go of everyones hands all at once. I shoved off, my sails filled with the breath of the Holy Spirit, headed towards my True North. Seagulls overhead as I watched everyones faces shrink into the distance, Washington and Oregon faded as we headed toward the setting sun."  Sounds adventurous, right?
To be honest, I never once felt brave or adventurous that day.
Only obedient, minutely hopeful and called. That day my heart broke, for the second time.

The perk to the valediction was that, this time, I deeply, fully understood what I was leaving behind.
Suddenly I was living without the luxury of rolling outta bed in the morning and wandering into the same living room with my crazy, equally as groggy but loving family members.

Going about each day without morning coffee with my mom and sister.

Trekking to find new jams without my dads company.

Having to journal my deepest thoughts without my resting my head against my faithful, spirited and valiant canine friend.

Living without taking the northbound train to visit my dearest nonbiological family in Kingston, WA whenever I wanted.

I was without the evergreens and loose leaf tea.

Without the Puget Sound and forest trails for hiking.

Without my most cherish and heart harbored friend.

It's been a lengthy, arduous voyage.

"How blessed I am to have something so hard to say goodbye to." said Winnie the Pooh

I once neglected to recognize my abundance of blessings.  Never again.
These are my souvenirs.
And enough is a feast, after all.
The people in this new land, they don't understand what I left behind when I came here. And I have to be okay with that. These are MY souvenirs.

"You feel your heart beat loudest when it's breaking."
I would rather feel my heart beating from brokeness than not feel it beating at all.

I am moved to write this today on account that my closest friend, in this place, just left for his voyage.
Godspeed Kyle.

Just when I think I haven't got another goodbye in me, I find that if I search my hollow harbor deep enough, there is usually one hiding under a tide somewhere.

So today, I can't bring myself to believe that a goodbye is a new beginning on my end, but rather just another saltwater tempest.  I sail on knowing the winds will die down, and the waves will find their peace again.
Today I am gripping the mast to brace myself against the storm, like so many times before.
Goodbyes never get easier. And they shouldn't.
"I know that there's a meaning to it all. A little resurrection every time I fall."
"My hope is anchored on the Other Side."

If Grace Is An Ocean, We're All Sinking

Hello Dear Friends and Family! 

I am so blessed to be able to share my heart and recent events with you. Email and blogs makes it a great era to be a missionary!  

God is good! His grace is as vast as the ocean!

With each passing month, I find myself more and more endeared to this warm land. As I peddle my bike through the city of Siem Reap each day, the frowns and squinting faces used to follow me with curious eyes.  I decided to make the most of it by smiling as big as I can and saying, "Prey Ong protian bpoh!” (God bless you!) as I glide past them.  Frowns turn upside down, and squinty eyes grow wider with joy! Now I thoroughly enjoy my bike ride back and forth. The regulars and familiar faces are almost as eager to greet me as I am to greet them each time.  I pray that the Holy Spirit would go with me and flood these streets and roads with His presence. 

This past month has been so incredible! Each of my students aced their midterms! Yay! :D They are so brilliant and eager to learn the English language.  I have had the opportunity to spend some quality time with a few of my students, going to the markets or just sitting and talking, listening to their stories and praying for them.  All of the teachers put together a HUGE Love Feast. We decorated the class rooms, made dinner, served our students, and some teachers prepared special music numbers. The theme was God's Overwhelming, Unconditional Love. We were all invited to join the Kings table, and glorify Papa by loving one another.  

What an intense evening!  We had 107 boxes of food, and there were 106 students.  Our room was pretty small as well, made for maybe 55 people. We only had about two working fans. But NONE of that seemed to matter! :) As crazy as it was at times, I personally was extremely excited about the whole evening! I was very excited to see how Papa was going to move through the hearts of our students. I was so anxiously excited to serve each student, smile and laugh, pray for and encourage them.  God is moving over here in this small kingdom!  Please continue to pray for our students to remain faithful in coming to class and Wednesday Fellowship!  Pray that God would continue to speak to each student and bring them closer to His heart. 

Pray that the spiritual chains of bondage that are holding these kids back, would be broken by the blood of the Lamb, in the name of Jesus Christ!

My language lessons this past month have been quite frustrating. Sometimes, I feel like I am hitting a wall….. please pray for a breakthrough! 

Here in Cambodia, this whole week is the Water Festival. It’s a time for the people to give thanks for the rice harvest by worshiping the moon and the water. They have huge boat races for the next few days and offer a lot of gifts to the spirits. We don't have school at all this week, mostly because all of our students are gone back to their home villages to be with their families and celebrate traditions.  This is a really strong time of spiritual warfare and we are all praying for the Holy Spirit to be victorious in the hearts of the Khmer people during this time. And that they would come to know and worship the God who created the water and the moon for HIS glory.

Please keep me in your prayers. There have been a few uncomfortable situations with the base leadership this month. There are days when I struggle to forgive.

During my prayer times, Papa spoke to me through His Word. And He gave me clear understanding of how an unforgiving heart will lead to a lot of other things, including a heart of bitterness. He also brought to light MANY times when He had allowed me to dive into His ocean of grace, soaking in His sweet forgiveness.  

I am so thankful that Papa doesn't forgive like I do.  Lacking joy or dare I admit it, not at all. I am so humbled and deeply thankful that when He was staggering through the city of Jerusalem, the sin of the world on His shoulders, that He never once said in His heart, "I wish that this was you instead of me. You deserve this, not me." And that He didn't harbor hateful thoughts towards me for my portion of sin that he was carrying.   I am deeply humbled.  I am forgiven. 

I do not deserve His Grace Gift, but I am not too proud to snatch it out of His hands when He offers it, and devour it in His presence. 

        It reminded me of a time when I was in town about two weeks ago.  A man offered me a gospel track in the city. I looked at it, smiled, and waving my hand over it said, "Thanks but I don't need it. I already know Jesus."  

  I thought I was being polite and helping that man to save paper by giving the track to someone who may not have a Bible already. But actually, when I looked deeper, Papa showed me that situation tied into my arrogant lack of grace.  Why not just encourage that man by accepting the tract and rejoicing together in our shared faith?   

 I will eagerly receive a gospel track next time. If anything, its a great reminder, and then I have it to share with someone else.  

This Is Amazing Grace by Bethel Live

How He Loves by David Crowder

-John 1:16 "Out of his fullness we have all received grace…"

-Ephesians 2:8 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God."

-Ephesians 3:7 "I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God’s grace given me through the working of his power."

Please continue to remember me in your prayers! 

Pray that I would stay healthy!

Pray that Papa would bless me with a close friend here! 

Pray that God would continue to help me learn this language!

And please also pray that Gods grace and love would shine bright in this dark place.

I miss all of you so much. Joy, humility, passion and deep euphoria fill my soul when I remember your support and prayers. I thank Papa for you daily!

Stay strong!  Keep up the good flight!

Love Always,

Beth Dittman