God, Give Me the Food I Need to Live Through Today.

Well here we are….

I think I’m gonna start off with a quote by one of my heroes…

“Baby, God, He’s so crazy, sometimes I think He is Mexican. Or maybe He is Russian, because I not understand Him sometimes….”

                                          ~Alessa

Hi. My name is Beth.  As you read about my time at YWAM Salem, you might look at it physically and then believe that I’ve failed….. I know I do some days. But the reality I often fail to realize is: I’ve won. :]

I’ve won!

The victory is mine, I just have to reach out grab what is before me.

I ran the race. And “How we start the race is much more important than how we finish, not to mention it defines how we finish.”

The night before my Team left for Thailand, my sweet sister Elise and I sat on the roof of one of the Ywam buildings with blankets. We talked of the days to come, and gazed contently at the stars, in pure awe of how BIG God is, and how squash darn beautiful and creative He must be.  It’s the memories like this that keep me fed these days. 

My heart feels so empty sometimes……. In my head I know that God has some big, better, different plans for me…. But my heart aint feelin’ it.   My heart has broken into 28 pieces and is scattered over the world.  

One of my biggest nightmares as a child was being left behind somewhere. It leaves me with the feeling of being alone, misunderstood, and forgotten.  I have been left behind. Why did god allow this to happen to me……? I was reminded of Job today.  I wish he was alive right now so I could have a conversation with him.

Over the past few weeks, I have been struggling a ton with Gods decision, and I just keep crying out to Him “GOD! I need YOU!” in response He always said “Then live like you need me.”    “GOD!!! What does that mean? What does that look like?!” silence………. 

Today I get it. I know now what it feels like to be in need of God. And let me tell you, it’s the most beautiful place to be with Him. Its hard to explain unless you’ve been there. 

Constantly I have to choose to stop pushing Him away out of my anger and frustration at Him, and let Him pull me close.

He wraps His big arms around me, and pulls my head to His chest…. I hear and feel His heart beat if I listen carefully.  I don’t want to leave this place of needing Him to literally hold me up everyday.  We don’t even have to say anything to each other. He is comfortable with the silence and so am I. 

So where do I go from here?  Well, We’ve made some plans, and for now it looks like I might redo my DTS in another country. Yes its true: I wont be able to graduate with the rest of my class, because I didn’t complete my Outreach phase.  

I have learned more than most people do in a lifetime. I have grown in every area of this life I call mine.

Lecture phase for me was a race that I have won. 

In the next few blogs, I will tell you about the things I have been going through during my DTS Lecture phase over the past few months.  One thing I realized is:

Blogging takes a chunk of time, which is something I didn’t have during DTS. 

I am excited to tell you about what I’ve been up, but I just really needed to let you know what I feel right now. There will be more posts about the crazy Ywam details and such, just stick with me. I have some of the greatest things to share with you :] And I cant wait to recount the stories with you, because I love you. 

 Keep praying for me please. I think I need it. Pray that God rebuilds my broken heart, and also pray that I will allow myself to grow stronger through this and not just give up. Everyday is a struggle right now.

Peace out.